wearing my heart on my sleeve, er, my arm…

a few months ago, i got another tattoo, this one, a lot more detailed and not just some kind of script.  the meaning behind it is two fold, one, my brother has a heart condition and i got the heart for him. and two, my aunt had a lot of the same mental illness things as i do, and thats what the arrow is. (id rather not go into too much detail about that one) 
the tattoo was both impulsive and healing, but it was a very good decision in retrospect. 
thank you to all who have helped me along in my recovery–i couldnt have done it without you. 
heres to six and a half months, and many more to come.

xx
_SC

Thoughts…

Take this pill,
Gravity and ecstasy await beyond the veil,
Fluoxetine, hydrochlorine, does it even matter?
The only truth is that it’ll make you feel better.
Slow your freight-train mind down a second or two-
Sit back, relax, and let apathy flow through you…
Down your throat, there it goes!
Have some water, drink it slow,
We’ll let you rest, and come to.
We’ll be back in a bit, to see how you do.

…Time elapses and they come back.

Alright, then, how do you feel?
“I don’t care. Are you even real?”
Do you want to harm yourself?
“I don’t know. How can I tell?”
Do you want to harm others?
“What a stupid question. Ask me another.”
Do you still have a plan to commit suicide?
“So damn tedious; if I die, I die.”
Do you see the world in colour, or deep dark grey?
“I don’t see it any other way.”
Excuse me?
“You’re excused, leave.”
Explain to me how you see the surrounding world.
“Well, I guess I see it the same as you- except with the sugar unfurled.”
Go on, child, you’re not making much sense.
“Well, you see, you’re blinded by sugar and sweet-smelling scents,
Easing your mind and making you believe in a world of good,”
Okay, let’s get back on focus-
“I’m not finished, yet. Whereas you see butterflies, I saw locusts
Spreading pestilence and famine like it was cream topping,”
I really believe you’re straying from the topic-
“I was distraught, and deafened by an absurd and tragic amount of spice,
But now the medication has opened my eyes.”
Back to the medication, that’s good.
“But I still don’t see things the way a young boy should,
I see them for all they really are, ambivalent in their supervision,
An uncaring deity that leaves no room for superstition,
Since there’s no room for fate, and no room for destiny,
Everything’s determined by circumstantial entities.
You can choose not to believe me, which is fine until
You realize that I actually never took the damned pill.”

Quiet BPD

So, I know I haven’t shared my full story with you guys, but as many of you know I’ve been hospitalized a couple times and haven’t officially been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but have been told numerous times that I have “BPD tendencies” this is one of the first videos that I honestly feel hits home on the “tendencies” part of BPD. //

Quiet Borderline

xx

-S

Leave The Gym Resolutioners Alone

Sass & Balderdash

We’ve all seen them. There could be one next to you right now on the treadmill holding on for dear life and hiking up a level 15 incline. You may have spotted one inquisitively eying a BOSU ball, wondering what manner of cruel and unusual punishment a semi-circle could possibly deliver. They’re the Resolutioners who have taken your gym by storm this January to get started on their weight loss and fitness goals, and they haven’t received the warmest of welcomes.

I used to be a Resolutioner. In fact, I can say with confidence that “losing weight” or “eating better” was probably my staple resolution from the year 2003 through 2011. When it comes to my New Year’s resolutions, it was probably only surpassed in frequency by “This year I’m going to have a boyfriend,” or “This year I’m committing to not being so quiet and weird.”

I never stuck to it. I’d show up to the…

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Leave the pen. Take the cannoli.

petescully

amtrak in the morning
Late last month, on the weekend before Christmas, I took a day in San Francisco, just to get out of Davis for a little while and sketch things on ground that slopes a bit. I didn’t have much of a plan beyond “go to the Ferry Building, have a cannoli, draw loads”. So I did. Here’s my sketch from the early morning Amtrak train, above. It’s not cheap, traveling the Amtrak, but it’s a lovely journey and you get free wifi.

So I got to the San Francisco Ferry Building, where they have the Saturday Farmer’s Market. I like getting here on a Saturday, and finding the little stall inside that sells Italian cannoli filled with chocolate, and sugary messy lemon-filled ‘bombolini’, little doughnuts. After cleaning my face I went outside to draw a panorama, which took about an hour and a quarter. Those sugary treats made me work…

View original post 236 more words

Poem.

Almost every day,
I am fake.
Not in my beliefs,
or my personality,
or even my body.
My emotions are fake.
The ones that I choose to display, that is.
Or, I should say, the mask that I choose to wear.
A mask?
What does my mask look like?
Well, it looks something like this.
Strong. Happy. Confident. Independent.
In control. Smiling. Lighthearted.
Life is good.
No one would guess that all of this is fake.
And do you want to know the
thing that I wish most
for people to do?
I wish that they would see behind
the mask.
I wish there was someone who can
see my true feelings.
Who can see the depression in my smile.
The anxiety in my silence.
The weakness in my confidence.
The frailty in my strength.
The need in my independence.
I need someone who can not only
see these things,
but is willing to talk to me about it.
Whose willing to not just
watch me wilt away
and force myself
to struggle on my own.
I need someone who will slap
me in the face and tell me that
I am not alone.
I don’t have to fight this by myself.
I don’t need to hide.
But,
there is no one like that.
Not for me.
All that people see is
the happy, benevolent girl who
always smiles at everyone she sees.
I need someone who can
see the expertly concealed anguish
behind the constant, cheerful mask.
I need someone to rip that smile away and show me that I don’t have to hide.

Yet,
I fear for that person to come.
I desperately need my mask to stay in place.
I can’t let people down.

I can’t let down their expectations.
I can’t show them that I really am not happy.
I can’t disappoint them.
And so, I desperately wish no one
will see behind my mask.
It’s a paradox.
I need someone to see
yet I fear for my life
if they do see.

————-

Part of this is narration to Psychiatrized–which will be out by next Monday!!

¿Poem?

Sometimes I forget to breathe
I forget that I am real
And not just living in make-believe
I’m here and on this earth
Stagnant, lying
In the up and in-between
Away from where you are
I can stay hidden, unseen

Sometimes I forget to open my eyes
I forget that I’m only dreaming
I wish that this life were only lies
And not the constant haunting I’ve been fearing
If I fall I won’t feel it
If I die I’ll be alright
Because I was never really living

I wish that my fantasy lasted forever
Went on and into infinity
But that’s a silly thing to want
For without pain we never feel
And with out boredom we never feel excitement
I grow impatient with wondering
If I’m really here at all
If I speak will any one even hear?

Sometimes I forget to breathe
If I do please shake me
I’d hate to die in your arms
Such a predictable way to go
Sometimes I forget to scream
When the pressure builds
When I feel sick and frightened
No, I’ll never forget what she did
But I’ll always forget to speak.

I found the first stanza of this online and went with it

xx

-S

Small Introduction//Big Things Coming

Hi!

I’m Sammiy and I am a junior in high school. These past few years have come with many ups and downs, and looking back, I can’t imagine my life any differently.  I have struggled with suicide ideation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and numerous parasuicidal behaviors.  And yes, today, I continue to, but it is far more manageable.  I am currently in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and have seen huge growth in myself over the past year.  I plan to continue with DBT Therapy, and eventually reach a point of stability where I am able to start intensive trauma-specific therapy.

Though I am currently on break, I have a school project to do where I have to create my own Political Action Committee. I’ve decided to take it one step further and create a short documentary about the stigmas of mental illness.  Eventually, I’ll have it on YouTube channel and also have videos about my story and recovery and such–but I just wanted to share a small update regarding where I plan to focus my blog/channel and where things are headed in the future months.

This is one of the greatest videos I’ve ever seen about mental health, and PTSD specifically, and Kati and her channel are absolutely wonderful and I hope to meet her one day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0Hl8jV4cBk

I wish you all a great day and enjoy your families! Happy Holidays!

xx

S